2014 has been an incredible year for film, especially within the Marvel Cinematic Universe with movies like Captain America: Winter Soldier and Guardians of the Galaxy. Unfortunately it’s not all Groots and roses. 2014 has also been a year of brutal cinematic disappointments.
Without further ado here’s my 10 WORST movies of 2014:
10 – A Million Ways to Die in the West
We were evacuated three quarters of the way through this movie due to a fire in the cinema and let’s just say it was probably for the best.
9 – Dracula Untold
There are sparks of greatness during some of the fight sequences and Luke Evans may have cool armour, but the rest of the film is severely lacking.
8 – Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies
Too much CGI, too many longwinded action sequences that end up convoluted as a result of Peter Jackson’s inability to let things play out without making the stakes ludicrously high. Example: We wait three movies to see the final showdown between Thorin and Azog but Jackson can’t just let them fight – that would be too easy – it has to be on a FROZEN LAKE and there have to be CRACKS IN THE ICE THAT THEY CAN FALL THROUGH and then MORE ORCS FOR THORIN TO FIGHT and then SWIMMING UNDER THE ICE and then LEGOLAS etc etc etc. People who know me will know how much it saddens me to have this movie on this list.
7 – Exodus: Gods and Kings
Do you want to see a bald Joel Edgerton covered in fake tan, Christian Bale with more guyliner than Adam Lambert at Mardi Gras and Sigourney Weaver in a terrible wig delivering one line of dialogue? Do you long for a disappointing plot that beats you over the head with CGI whenever possible? Exodus: Gods and Kings is the one for you.
6 – Vampire Academy
Lame story. Lame gags. Disjointed narrative. Their attempts to make Rose (Zoey Deutch) likeable by making her vomit pop culture references every few minutes really puts a Dhampener on things. This movie needs to be Strigone.
5 – Lucy
If you cut Scarlett Johansson, the gun fights and the Chinese gangsters from Lucy it’s basically Morgan Freeman’s Wonders of the Universe with mad SFX where we find out we’re all destined to one day evolve into USB flash drives.
4 – Hercules
This movie takes everything good about the story of Hercules and says “nah I’m good.” 90 minutes of moist men and terrible everything.
3 – Into the Storm
One awesome fire tornado scene and 1 hour and 28 minutes of filler. Watching Matt Walsh ride his bullshit mobile into the eye of the storm was some of the funniest shit I’ve seen in a movie this year. The whole cinema burst out laughing. Seriously, I have no idea why Steven Quale would think that would be a good idea. Oh wait he directed Final Destination 5. Makes sense now.
2 – Godzilla
The trailer promised me Bryan Cranston and sweet Gojira action and instead I got 120+ minutes of Aaron Taylor-Johnson’s sad face, shitty acting and some flying nonsense creature. Godzilla (1998) was better in nearly every way. There, I said it.
1 – Under the Skin
The most coherent part of Under the Skin is Scarlett Johansson’s stellar English accent. The rest of the movie is what would happen if Stanley Kubrick started working for the Scottish Tourist Board. Some will tell me that Under the Skin is ‘atmospheric’, ‘artistic’, ‘intriguing’ and ‘genre defining’. Some will tell me that I don’t like it because I’m not smart enough to understand the subtle nuances in the narrative. Maybe they are right, but I will argue that when a flick hides meaning so well that the story becomes indecipherable; it becomes not only immeasurably ostentatious, but also bloody tedious. Watching Under the Skin is like eating at a lentil restaurant: you’re sure to know someone who loves it but you’ll probably leave hungrier than when you arrived.
Samuel Spettigue – follow Samuel on Twitter at @ninjaspag.