Ed note: Maria is at her potty-mouthed best. Feel the hate flow through her. Enjoy
Exodus: Gods And Kings
Christian Pale and Joel Egypton couldn’t save this epic fail from the ten plagues of bad historical filmmaking: first comes the river of white washing, followed by the tweets of Rupert Murdoch, and concluding with overabundance of guyliner.
Into The Storm
Paranormal Activity: The Mexican Ones
Only the Hollywood Lords know exactly how many of Michael Bay’s cars Megan Fox had to wash in a bikini to get back in the director’s good graces. Whatever the number, the end result was not worth it.
The Hobbit: Battle Of Five Armies
Look, it’s just bad. There’s no other way to describe two and a half hours of nonsensical fighting, inconsistent CGI and monologuing in a shiny cave. As disappointing and frustrating as it was, five out of six films still ain’t bad, ay Peter Jackson?
Except, well, the story was told so, uh, you know, I guess the title AND WHOLE ENTIRE FILM is totally redundant so there you go.
Transformers: Age Of The Rise Of Whatever The Fuck
The redest, hottest and messiest of Michael Bay’s seminal Red Hot Mess franchise.
David Ayer’s version of Suicide Squad is going to be interesting because if one thing’s clear from the very overrated and testosterone-laden Fury it’s that he does not know what to do with female characters. See also: End Of Watch.
Maria Lewis – follow Maria on Twitter here: @moviemazz or on top-rating film podcast Pod Save Our Screen, available now on iTunes.