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Turtley Lame, Dude! Why Michael Bay’s Ninja Turtles Is Probably Going to Be Awful

With the 2014 reboot of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles being released this weekend in the US, here’s why Michael Bay’s take on the mutant heroes is probably going to be shell-shocking.

April O’Fail

Megan Fox’s humdrum performances in the Transformers movies don’t infuse one with any sense of excitement for her upcoming April O’Neil gig. From the trailers it seems like Fox is present more for eye candy purposes than to be the strong, passionate journalist that is known and loved in the comics and animated series. Fox’s pouts and hair flicks do not inspire, nor does her rump, which the trailer suggests is likely going to be the butt of many derrière related puns and attempts to force bad jokes on the audience. If the choice was Judith Hoag/Paige Turco and their 90’s-chic or Megan Fox and her side-eye pouts, the choice would be Hoag/Turco every time.

Shredder-bot Prime

shredder

Somewhere between the Silver Samurai from The Wolverine, the Destroyer from Thor and a Decepticon, Shredder-bot Prime looks just as ridiculous as it sounds on paper.

They-Who-Shell-Not-Be-Named

Leonardo

Whoever made the creative decision to take away the classic Ninja Turtle design and replace it with Feudal Japan meets Bondi-Beach-Teen complete with Voldemort-like nose slits and super creepy Turtle-lips needs to be fired.

MichelangeloFans were so distraught at the nose-less turtles that one Reddit user took it upon himself to make some improvements.

kADmzsV

LOOK HOW MUCH BETTER THEY LOOK. SERIOUSLY.

More of these edits can be found here.

No Ninja, No Ninja, No!

Most fans of the 1990’s movie will remember the catchy “T-U-R-T-L-E Power” track by New York hip-hop duo Partners in Kryme.

They will also probably remember Vanilla Ice’s take on the Turtle theme for the 1991 sequel – “Ninja Rap”. Both of these themes – despite being classic 90’s cheese – fit the theme of the content perfectly.

Then we get the recently released theme for the 2014 Turtles flick – “Shell Shocked” – featuring EVERYONE (Juicy J, Wiz Khalifa, Ty Dolla $ign, Kill the Noise AND Madsonik). This track (though catchy) feels out of place when aligned with the Turtles characteristic tongue and cheek humour. In an interview with GQ, Vanilla Ice revealed that he did also not rate the new theme:

“With respect to all of the artists, the song doesn’t really do it for me. It feels a little artificial—what I mean by that is that it sounds like a bunch of executives in the corporate world put it together. It really does not fit the theme of the Ninja Turtles legend. I think you have to understand, and be a true Ninja, to possess the Magic to really pull off the secret sound.”

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Michael “Childhood Memory Slayer” Bay

michaelbay

As soon as it was announced that Michael Bay was involved in the Turtle reboot, fans worldwide sighed. Even though he wasn’t directing the movie, being involved meant that audiences would be treated with the classic Michael Bay ingredients:

  • Explosions
  • Low Angle 360 degree shot
  • Totally unnecessary slow-mo
  • Robots
  • Spectacularly chaotic Bayhem
  • MORE EXPLOSIONS

As soon as the first trailer hit, all of the above was confirmed. Some of you may be thinking that it could be worse, but remember two things:

1)   Michael Bay almost made the pizza-loving ninja’s aliens… just sayin’

2)   Transformers 2/3.

Taking all of the above into account, it is highly likely that the new Turtles flick is going to flop harder than Taylor “Cowabunga Carter” Kitsch’s Adventure on Mars.

Samuel Spettigue – follow Samuel on Twitter at @ninjaspag.

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