When the closing credits on The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part Oh My God How Many Is This Now finally ran last November, we all breathed a deep sigh of relief. Alas , it wasn’t over. Then came the plethora of multi-million dollar blockbusters starring a cast of hot young thangs and based on a mediocre best-selling YA novel. Trying to cash in on the success of the previous franchise and the frenzy of Twihards, the films have been blanket terrible. So terrible, in fact, that Graffiti With Punctuation’s Maria Lewis went to The Mortal Instruments armed with her most powerful weapon: Twitter. The verdict? Here’s her stream of tweets – minute-by-minute – on the woeful Twi-wannabe.
6.52PM @MovieMazz: First thought on The Mortal Instruments is: SHE’S GOING TO A LIVE POETRY READING! AND NOT LYING TO HER MOTHER! WHAT A MONSTER TEENAGER!
6.56PM @MovieMazz: You know they’re mother and daughter because they have matching hair-dos. Of course. #TheMortalInstruments
6.59PM @MovieMazz: Clary is very bad at drawing goats. #TheMortalInstruments
7.04PM @MovieMazz: Things I’ve learnt from #TheMortalInstruments: bad guys wear hoodies. Demons have cool tatts & coloured hair. All of Newtown is therefore demons.
7.05PM @MovieMazz: Lily Collins does some good Tom Cruise karate chop running hands in this movie. #TheMortalInstruments
7.10PM @MovieMazz: Enter the mystical negro. Hey #TheMortalInstruments, your stereotype is showing.
7.14PM @MovieMazz: “And you’re hanging out with some dyed blonde, Goth-wannabe weirdo!” #TheMortalInstruments #racist
7.23PM @MovieMazz: Character says: “That’s so weird”. Finish your drink. #TheMortalInstruments #drinkinggames
7.30PM @MovieMazz: “Jace has a real chip on his shoulder.”
“You would too if you saw your father murdered as a child.”
7.38PM @MovieMazz: “And how is dressing like a hooker going to help me find my mum?” #TheMortalInstruments #askingtherightquestions
7.41PM @MovieMazz: “There’s a treasure map inside your head Clary…and there’s only one man who can read it.” *enter Nic Cage* #TheMortalInstruments
7.43PM @MovieMazz: From now on I want all my warlocks to wear hot pants & glittery eyeliner with as much courage as Magnus Bane. #TheMortalInstruments
7.48PM @MovieMazz: Two people just walked out of #TheMortalInstruments. @Deensey and my thoughts are with them.
7.52PM @MovieMazz: Most ridiculous thing about #TheMortalInstruments? Clary gets her hooker boots on in under 2 seconds. Those bitches take HOURS to get on.
7.55PM @MovieMazz: “So Bach is to demons what garlic is to vampires.” #TheMortalInstruments #actualdialogue
8PM @MovieMazz: . @Deensey just shouted “OH GOD!” at the Jace angel drawing in #TheMortalInstruments and now the whole cinema is laughing knowingly.
8.03PM @MovieMazz: Clary: “We were just kissing!”
Jace: “How quickly you dismiss our love.” #CreepyMcShadowHunter #TheMortalInstruments
8.05PM @MovieMazz: “Sorry about the sprinkler system…” #inmypants #TheMortalInstruments
8.07PM @MovieMazz: Thought: these #TheMortalInstruments kids grew up in the same Brooklyn as The Beastie Boys. #TheMortalInstruments
8.13PM @MovieMazz: “JACE! The runes aren’t working!” So it’s fair to say they’re, um, ruined? Runed? Lost dialogue opportunity. #TheMortalInstruments
8.14PM @MovieMazz: There’s no Clary in team guys. #TheMortalInstruments
8.23PM @MovieMazz: Clary: “Wow, it’s breathtaking,”
@Deensey: *whispers* “She doesn’t sound very breathtaken.” #TheMortalInstruments
8.26PM @MovieMazz: Clary does a lot of screaming and fainting. Truly, a heroine for the ages. #TheMortalInstruments
8.28PM @MovieMazz: Werewolves believe in people movers. And not shaving. #TheMortalInstruments
8.30PM @MovieMazz: “The werewolves are here to save us. Never thought I’d say that.” #neverthoughIdtweetthat #TheMortalInstruments
8.32pm @MovieMazz: Jonathan Rhys Meyers….SO. MUCH. LEATHER. #TheMortalInstruments
8.37PM @MovieMazz: Do you really need two men to carry Lena Headey? She weighs, what, 50kgs tops? Poor people management Valentine. #TheMortalInstruments
8.39PM @MovieMazz: So @Deensey is actually drinking to get through this now. #TheMortalInstruments
8.43PM @MovieMazz: Why wear leather pants, a leather crotch pouch and a leather jacket but skip the t-shirt altogether? Huh? ANYONE?! #TheMortalInstruments
8.45PM @MovieMazz: Of course there’s a piano scene. OF COURSE THERE IS. #TheMortalInstruments
8.45PM @MovieMazz: Characters says: “Of course he/she can.” #TheMortalInstruments #drinkinggames
8.46PM @MovieMazz: Jonathan Rhys Meyers has charm bracelet hair. #TheMortalInstruments
8.47PM @MovieMazz: These Shadow Hunters love laser pointers more than cats. #TheMortalInstruments
8.48PM @MovieMazz: She’s not actually crying. It’s just snowing on her face. #TheMortalInstruments
8.53PM @MovieMazz: Lily Collins is doomed to a cinematic career acting alongside males who ride motorbikes without helmets. #TheMortalInstruments #Abduction
8.56PM @MovieMazz: “I know it’s not true in my heart of hearts.” What he means is: “In my penis of penises.” #TheMortalInstruments
9.02PM @MovieMazz: “Well Clary – have the lambs stopped screaming?” Mortal Instruments: Silence Of The Lambs #TheMortalInstruments #mashup #SilenceoftheLambs
9.04PM @MovieMazz: “Whelp. It was better than the book.” – sadly truer words have not been spoken by @Deensey #TheMortalInstruments
9.05PM @MovieMazz: The only thing I believe Jamie Campbell Bower can fight is a heroin addiction. Maybe. #TheMortalInstruments